Depression is a funny thing: I'm convinced it's (almost) always self-fulfilling. Or maybe the irony lurks in how it's become such a common diagnosis, for teenagers especially, but also for millions of adults, despite the fact that it's still a taboo subject in many circles. But a part of me takes a strange sort of pleasure in the knowledge that I disappoint so many people. Of course, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm only human, as they say, but I often wonder if I've really given any thought to such a simple, albeit clichéd, statement. I tell myself that I'm perfectly comfortable with my imperfections, and maybe on some days I really believe that, but lately I've found myself questioning my own reflections: I wonder if I'm more annoyed with being forced, through therapy, medication, and so-called "treatment plans," to finally come to terms with something I've long dealt with, or if my annoyance lies in the realization that part of being human means being able to admit that sometimes you can't deal with things on your own.

But I'm learning. It's torturous and even humiliating, but I've passed the point of caring--or, more accurately, worrying about--judgment. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, but that often involves dragging others into my oppressive black hole. But this has been going on for so long that I'd forgotten how to care about things like cause and effect. Like Josef K.'s nightmarish experiences with the bureaucracy from hell, my regular mood shifts have become cycles so common and vicious that I've gotten used to them. I no longer question them and they never catch me by surprise. In fact, I'd almost convinced myself that depression makes me happy.

Comments

[theorist]

I was told it was "just a phase" as a teen. Lying bastards.

[Brandon]

Theorist: There are a lot of misconceptions about depression. It affects teens and adults, but adults are more likely to let it go unchecked, thinking that it's "just a phase." Another misconception is that depression makes people sad. That may happen in some people, but for others (like me), it makes them angry. Everyone gets depressed, for one reason or another, but with me, there's really no reason for me to be angry about anything. It just happens, for lack of a better term. But it can be serious, especially since in my case, I literally can't function when I'm down--can't work, can't associate with people, and I get very irritable. It's serious, especially since my depression involves suicide ideation. But doing better in dealing with it, since I've realized that thinking about suicide and your own funeral isn't exactly what "normal" people dwell on.